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Posts Tagged ‘death’

if there are any heavens my mother will

if there are any heavens my mother will(all by herself)have
one. It will not be a pansy heaven nor
a fragile heaven of lilies-of-the-valley but
it will be a heaven of blackred roses

my father will be(deep like a rose
tall like a rose)

standing near my

(swaying over her
silent)
with eyes which are really petals and see

nothing with the face of a poet really which
is a flower and not a face with
hands
which whisper
This is my beloved my

(suddenly in sunlight

he will bow,

& the whole garden will bow)

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I had begun to think I no longer needed to deal with this feeling and its crying, the crying that’s not worth holding back against the pressure backing it.

I don’t know how to express or articulate the feeling better than to say it is like wanting to go home, knowing you are unable because the home does not exist, and thinking you will perhaps die before it does. Dying is frightening enough, but you think perhaps also release enough.

So, I balance. “It’s too hard living, but I’m afraid to die.” Sam Cooke, eh?

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It’s been two years to the day since my mother died. Or passed away. I don’t know where she passed to, but I know if it were just ‘passing’, she would have passed her way on back here. So I’m going to go with “died”, because that’s what it was.
 
I’m not sure how to process something like this and I’m not sure how much processing I’ve done. I’ve been told and I, too, would tell others that you never get over something like this. You don’t get over it and you don’t quite get through it.
 
What you do is carry it.
 
You keep going, but it comes with you and you drag it along. Granted, some aren’t so strong or so supported, so lucky, so whatever strange blessing of circumstance and effort makes a person keep on living past grief. But if you keep on one-foot-in-front-of-the-other plod plod plodding, you learn how to make it lighter, get stronger, stop the chafing, but it sure as politics doesn’t go away.

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